Love Allowed

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I don’t know why some people feel so free to “dump” all their negative energy onto others.

I think it is important to take heed with others, because it’s so true that you never know what the next person is going through.

But I don’t know.

Perhaps some don’t realize what an impact energy has.

Perhaps some don’t perceive their energy as negative at all! (Which would be unfortunate).

Or perhaps some simply don’t care-“misery loves company…”

Well, when this happens I think it pays to be mindful as opposed to lowering ourselves to the same level.

Booker T. Washington said this amazing line. I quote, “I shall not let any man narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”

I love that. I love how he put that….

Narrow and degrade my soul.

When I think of this quote, I am able to imagine how ugly I can become by reacting in a similar way to a person who has offended me.

Another one I really like is, “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

I do not say that I am perfect by any means. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing this if there wasn’t a particular energy I felt was pulling me down.

But I hope to shake off that energy before the rest of my day.

Things are not all bad. We just have to force ourselves to remember. 🙂

Hope everyone has a love- and peace-filled day!

Namaste. Xx

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Letter to Someone I Love but Can’t Find

Dearest loved one,

Yesterday I created a post. It said- “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

Although I did believe this to be true…

…I didn’t think it would feel any truer to me today.

And it is registered to have been created on March 7th-even though it was actually on March 6th.

Is that something to do with you? Is life sending me a message?

Sorry. You probably can’t be bothered with silly questions where you are. It’s just that-with the news I sort of feel it uncanny.

But anyway–there are more important things I have to say. And well-if you feel my thoughts I guess you’ve heard it all. But I just wanted to write down that the truth is…

I was ecstatic to be hearing from you

You reappeared out of the woodwork

And well-as I’d expressed… I just thought you had already forgot-that you had a life down here once. And that we cared for you down here.

I was ecstatic to see that your time here mattered… And truly-that I mattered

I always did watch you from afar.

And I regret not imposing myself on you more

So you could know that I watched with genuine love–and hope that you would find your peace.

But when you hit me up-I didn’t understand where you were coming from. I mean. Being engaged and all-I had to mince my words a bit. I think you understood that.

And well–seeing now that–some of the things you said were really coming from some place deeper. From some deep regret…

…I wanted to give a little more.

You were… truly… like a little brother. That is what I had always said. I don’t know how we even got to the point that we recalled before your final hours-but we did become friends, that’s the bottom line.

And perhaps–it was because I was a little crazy back then… Or perhaps it was also in part because I may have been a little lonely. But I knew I wanted to kiss you mostly because I felt you. Because in our final moments as friends… Before you took that flight you have regretted to have taken-out of Vegas and back to Ohio-we were connected. And I thought if I kissed you I would feel you. I remember, I imagined if I would do it I would just surprise you in the elevator. Not so much in the car-like you were thinking.

But life-it happened the way it did. You left, and I can’t say why. I can’t say why it had happened that way. Not that I think that anything would have happened if you had stayed; I don’t mean to create false hopes-now or ever. But I just believed that that is the way it needed to be. And I regret that I didn’t understand you when you told me that you didn’t so much agree.

I mean. I still can’t say why. I still don’t know. And now that you have taken your truths with you-I must accept that I may never understand-everything.

And I do ask myself some questions. Like-maybe if I wasn’t going to Ohio to see The Dream with you anymore, maybe I could’ve gone to see you at the hospital.

Or was I ever really going to Ohio?

I mean–were we ever really meant to spend more time with each other?

Before you decided to leave-you said you would visit. And perhaps–silly me-I somewhat believed you. But really more than anything-I was just mostly scared.

You see. I am always scared. I am always scared that if someone gets any closer to me-spends any more time with me-they’ll realize that I am just not really as valuable as they make me out to be.

I thought the same for you.

But now I just wish that I had encouraged you to come! I wish I added snapchat and sent you a smile. I wish that-I had texted you… Called you…

And most importantly I wish that in those final minutes I just fucking sent you an I love you. I wanted to I swear I wanted to. But I really didn’t understand.

And now that I receive news that you didn’t make it this morning. I just want to tell you until you can feel it like a kiss in your lips-I love you, Luke. I love you kid.

You know. Perhaps there are some that would hate me for this-but at the moment-what I want to say is not that I do not wish you weren’t gone. Because I do not trust life with you. I do not trust what it did to you-how it looked after you.

No–now I just wish that you could just have all the love… All the love…and all the peace… and all the joy that could elevate you into a higher place… Into the highest place…   A place untouchable by the cruelty of life and inhumanities… If there is such a place.

And if I knew-if I knew-that somehow a kiss could be a key. I would-I would kiss you. I think my love would understand.

I love you kid. I love you. With a love-that I would like to believe is unbound by time-by place-by this earthly space.

I love you-in the present tense-like I like to say.

And I regretfully say all this a tad too late.

And I thank you for not being a tad too late.

I thank you for leaving with love before your last breath,

But I promise your legacy of love will remain with me.

I will carry it

I will share it

And your legacy will not end with me.

R.I.P. L.J.P.

You are beauty. Your presence in my life brought me peace. Your angelic voice brought me joy. And I hope now-you sing. I hope now-you are happy. Xx

Your friend,

E ❤