Dearest loved one,
Yesterday I created a post. It said- “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”
Although I did believe this to be true…
…I didn’t think it would feel any truer to me today.
And it is registered to have been created on March 7th-even though it was actually on March 6th.
Is that something to do with you? Is life sending me a message?
Sorry. You probably can’t be bothered with silly questions where you are. It’s just that-with the news I sort of feel it uncanny.
But anyway–there are more important things I have to say. And well-if you feel my thoughts I guess you’ve heard it all. But I just wanted to write down that the truth is…
I was ecstatic to be hearing from you
You reappeared out of the woodwork
And well-as I’d expressed… I just thought you had already forgot-that you had a life down here once. And that we cared for you down here.
I was ecstatic to see that your time here mattered… And truly-that I mattered
I always did watch you from afar.
And I regret not imposing myself on you more
So you could know that I watched with genuine love–and hope that you would find your peace.
But when you hit me up-I didn’t understand where you were coming from. I mean. Being engaged and all-I had to mince my words a bit. I think you understood that.
And well–seeing now that–some of the things you said were really coming from some place deeper. From some deep regret…
…I wanted to give a little more.
You were… truly… like a little brother. That is what I had always said. I don’t know how we even got to the point that we recalled before your final hours-but we did become friends, that’s the bottom line.
And perhaps–it was because I was a little crazy back then… Or perhaps it was also in part because I may have been a little lonely. But I knew I wanted to kiss you mostly because I felt you. Because in our final moments as friends… Before you took that flight you have regretted to have taken-out of Vegas and back to Ohio-we were connected. And I thought if I kissed you I would feel you. I remember, I imagined if I would do it I would just surprise you in the elevator. Not so much in the car-like you were thinking.
But life-it happened the way it did. You left, and I can’t say why. I can’t say why it had happened that way. Not that I think that anything would have happened if you had stayed; I don’t mean to create false hopes-now or ever. But I just believed that that is the way it needed to be. And I regret that I didn’t understand you when you told me that you didn’t so much agree.
I mean. I still can’t say why. I still don’t know. And now that you have taken your truths with you-I must accept that I may never understand-everything.
And I do ask myself some questions. Like-maybe if I wasn’t going to Ohio to see The Dream with you anymore, maybe I could’ve gone to see you at the hospital.
Or was I ever really going to Ohio?
I mean–were we ever really meant to spend more time with each other?
Before you decided to leave-you said you would visit. And perhaps–silly me-I somewhat believed you. But really more than anything-I was just mostly scared.
You see. I am always scared. I am always scared that if someone gets any closer to me-spends any more time with me-they’ll realize that I am just not really as valuable as they make me out to be.
I thought the same for you.
But now I just wish that I had encouraged you to come! I wish I added snapchat and sent you a smile. I wish that-I had texted you… Called you…
And most importantly I wish that in those final minutes I just fucking sent you an I love you. I wanted to I swear I wanted to. But I really didn’t understand.
And now that I receive news that you didn’t make it this morning. I just want to tell you until you can feel it like a kiss in your lips-I love you, Luke. I love you kid.
You know. Perhaps there are some that would hate me for this-but at the moment-what I want to say is not that I do not wish you weren’t gone. Because I do not trust life with you. I do not trust what it did to you-how it looked after you.
No–now I just wish that you could just have all the love… All the love…and all the peace… and all the joy that could elevate you into a higher place… Into the highest place… A place untouchable by the cruelty of life and inhumanities… If there is such a place.
And if I knew-if I knew-that somehow a kiss could be a key. I would-I would kiss you. I think my love would understand.
I love you kid. I love you. With a love-that I would like to believe is unbound by time-by place-by this earthly space.
I love you-in the present tense-like I like to say.
And I regretfully say all this a tad too late.
And I thank you for not being a tad too late.
I thank you for leaving with love before your last breath,
But I promise your legacy of love will remain with me.
I will carry it
I will share it
And your legacy will not end with me.
You are beauty. Your presence in my life brought me peace. Your angelic voice brought me joy. And I hope now-you sing. I hope now-you are happy. Xx