Love Allowed

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I don’t know why some people feel so free to “dump” all their negative energy onto others.

I think it is important to take heed with others, because it’s so true that you never know what the next person is going through.

But I don’t know.

Perhaps some don’t realize what an impact energy has.

Perhaps some don’t perceive their energy as negative at all! (Which would be unfortunate).

Or perhaps some simply don’t care-“misery loves company…”

Well, when this happens I think it pays to be mindful as opposed to lowering ourselves to the same level.

Booker T. Washington said this amazing line. I quote, “I shall not let any man narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”

I love that. I love how he put that….

Narrow and degrade my soul.

When I think of this quote, I am able to imagine how ugly I can become by reacting in a similar way to a person who has offended me.

Another one I really like is, “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

I do not say that I am perfect by any means. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing this if there wasn’t a particular energy I felt was pulling me down.

But I hope to shake off that energy before the rest of my day.

Things are not all bad. We just have to force ourselves to remember. 🙂

Hope everyone has a love- and peace-filled day!

Namaste. Xx

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Yoga Means Being Still and Listening

This afternoon, I would just like to thank the volunteer yoga instructor who reminded me that yoga is about listening to your body. If not for her, I probably wouldn’t be happy with my current approach to yoga, which basically comprises of doing any movement that I think would  make my body feel good.

I had always been intimidated by self-directed, home practice; I am useless when it comes to proper sequence. But now, I can practice at home without worrying about this. Now I can focus on what yoga is all about: mindfulness.

I still would one day love to be a yoga master-but for now-any practice is meaningful practice. And definitely so during these rough days through the semester, when-if I didn’t make a conscious effort to stop, breathe, meditate, and connect with my body-I would drive everyone insane, myself included.

So, yeah. Thanks, Stephanie. I hope our paths cross again someday. Namaste.

Letter to Someone I Love but Can’t Find

Dearest loved one,

Yesterday I created a post. It said- “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

Although I did believe this to be true…

…I didn’t think it would feel any truer to me today.

And it is registered to have been created on March 7th-even though it was actually on March 6th.

Is that something to do with you? Is life sending me a message?

Sorry. You probably can’t be bothered with silly questions where you are. It’s just that-with the news I sort of feel it uncanny.

But anyway–there are more important things I have to say. And well-if you feel my thoughts I guess you’ve heard it all. But I just wanted to write down that the truth is…

I was ecstatic to be hearing from you

You reappeared out of the woodwork

And well-as I’d expressed… I just thought you had already forgot-that you had a life down here once. And that we cared for you down here.

I was ecstatic to see that your time here mattered… And truly-that I mattered

I always did watch you from afar.

And I regret not imposing myself on you more

So you could know that I watched with genuine love–and hope that you would find your peace.

But when you hit me up-I didn’t understand where you were coming from. I mean. Being engaged and all-I had to mince my words a bit. I think you understood that.

And well–seeing now that–some of the things you said were really coming from some place deeper. From some deep regret…

…I wanted to give a little more.

You were… truly… like a little brother. That is what I had always said. I don’t know how we even got to the point that we recalled before your final hours-but we did become friends, that’s the bottom line.

And perhaps–it was because I was a little crazy back then… Or perhaps it was also in part because I may have been a little lonely. But I knew I wanted to kiss you mostly because I felt you. Because in our final moments as friends… Before you took that flight you have regretted to have taken-out of Vegas and back to Ohio-we were connected. And I thought if I kissed you I would feel you. I remember, I imagined if I would do it I would just surprise you in the elevator. Not so much in the car-like you were thinking.

But life-it happened the way it did. You left, and I can’t say why. I can’t say why it had happened that way. Not that I think that anything would have happened if you had stayed; I don’t mean to create false hopes-now or ever. But I just believed that that is the way it needed to be. And I regret that I didn’t understand you when you told me that you didn’t so much agree.

I mean. I still can’t say why. I still don’t know. And now that you have taken your truths with you-I must accept that I may never understand-everything.

And I do ask myself some questions. Like-maybe if I wasn’t going to Ohio to see The Dream with you anymore, maybe I could’ve gone to see you at the hospital.

Or was I ever really going to Ohio?

I mean–were we ever really meant to spend more time with each other?

Before you decided to leave-you said you would visit. And perhaps–silly me-I somewhat believed you. But really more than anything-I was just mostly scared.

You see. I am always scared. I am always scared that if someone gets any closer to me-spends any more time with me-they’ll realize that I am just not really as valuable as they make me out to be.

I thought the same for you.

But now I just wish that I had encouraged you to come! I wish I added snapchat and sent you a smile. I wish that-I had texted you… Called you…

And most importantly I wish that in those final minutes I just fucking sent you an I love you. I wanted to I swear I wanted to. But I really didn’t understand.

And now that I receive news that you didn’t make it this morning. I just want to tell you until you can feel it like a kiss in your lips-I love you, Luke. I love you kid.

You know. Perhaps there are some that would hate me for this-but at the moment-what I want to say is not that I do not wish you weren’t gone. Because I do not trust life with you. I do not trust what it did to you-how it looked after you.

No–now I just wish that you could just have all the love… All the love…and all the peace… and all the joy that could elevate you into a higher place… Into the highest place…   A place untouchable by the cruelty of life and inhumanities… If there is such a place.

And if I knew-if I knew-that somehow a kiss could be a key. I would-I would kiss you. I think my love would understand.

I love you kid. I love you. With a love-that I would like to believe is unbound by time-by place-by this earthly space.

I love you-in the present tense-like I like to say.

And I regretfully say all this a tad too late.

And I thank you for not being a tad too late.

I thank you for leaving with love before your last breath,

But I promise your legacy of love will remain with me.

I will carry it

I will share it

And your legacy will not end with me.

R.I.P. L.J.P.

You are beauty. Your presence in my life brought me peace. Your angelic voice brought me joy. And I hope now-you sing. I hope now-you are happy. Xx

Your friend,

E ❤

After Death

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Where is it that they go–when they are gone?

Where is it that we go?

Is it someplace within our reach?

Or some place beyond what we can fathom?

Can they feel us where they go–

Like we seem to think we feel them?

Is anyone–any life–

Ever truly gone?

Can anyone truly answer–

the question…

…Of what comes after death?

Are the answers to these questions something

We are meant to understand?

Blogging as “Community”

A few days ago, I read a blog post that really left me thinking. It left me wondering what blogging really does mean to me.

Despite the fact that the post did resonate with me, I didn’t immediately respond to it. Instead, I have been letting the ideas soak in and I have been exploring my thoughts about them as they come… As I trek the college campus… As I am driving in my car…

Lately, I have been writing just so I can practice developing a thought; and as I’ve said before, “for the clarity of my own understanding.”

However, there was this one point on that post–about “community” in blogging. This point reminded me that community is something that is important to me, and it also made me reflect on what community means to me exactly.

Is blogging just about random likes and visitors? Or is it about starting and maintaining conversation and connection?

Perhaps, because of where I am as a blogger at the moment, the blogging community sometimes doesn’t feel “real” to me. Maybe I am thinking of “likes” on WordPress too much like “likes” on Facebook and Instagram—2 social media outlets where often times, despite the “likes” and comments you still feel disconnected to your followers. However, I guess some online communities aren’t built to be the same.

For instance–online forums… I have definitely used them to communicate on a more serious level—like providing travel tips or obtaining them for my own use.

And when I was a teenager, it was even more serious. I was part of a forum where the members maintained a conversation with each other everyday. And although we didn’t all know each other personally, each member had an online identity and reputation that was real to everyone who was a part of that forum. We could even quickly identify a stranger coming into our conversations. And sometimes, we even called each other on the phone when things got really real. But, I never wanted to admit to anyone that I had friends “online;” even if this was around the time of MySpace.

I especially didn’t want to do admit so as I got older. The fact that I had online friends at some point then became kind of a secret about my past, and it hasn’t been until recently that I have been able to openly talk about that in regular conversation.

And then—as far as less serious forums, like the travel forums… With all this stuff about keeping your identity safe over the internet-my involvement in such outlets has been diminished. However, looking back does help me to remember that I have been part of online communities in the past. So they do mean something.

There is another thing that caught my attention, though.

This week, there were a few moments when I spoke up in class for whatever reason. And I have begun to notice that—when I do raise a hand to speak in class—my heart just starts beating so intensely and I almost dread the idea of talking. And it was the same this week. I spoke up, and afterwards, I would try to type something into my computer but my hands would just shake from being so stressed and from all the adrenaline.

So then, I would just hide my hands because it would be embarrassing for someone to see that speaking up makes me so nervous. But also at that time, I had already been reflecting about the blogging, so I ended up making a connection…

I don’t shake in class every time I speak because I’m shy or anything. I just don’t reveal too much of my personal thoughts very often, so it’s uncomfortable. So then I thought–maybe that’s why I’m attracted to blogging. It’s how I can express myself—since I’m not very expressive when I’m in the presence of other people.

I know—it probably doesn’t sound so revolutionary; but when you do things the way you always do, they just seem normal and you may not pick up on things.

But I do know that I am a passionate person. I’m soulful. I’m reaaally connected to my emotions, and I’m easily affected by the energy around me. So I need expression. And I am blogging as a way to clarify thoughts that I don’t otherwise express. I also need connection. I want to feel that I am relatable, and I also want to find people with whom I can relate. And so that’s why blogging as community truly sounds meaningful to me.

So, if by chance you read this post (or any other one of my posts) and it resonates with you, please let me know. Let’s start some meaningful conversation.

Xx